


please fall in love with me

by carminare



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining, Temporarily Unrequited Love, tsukishima kei loves yamaguchi tadashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2020-07-23 12:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20008651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminare/pseuds/carminare
Summary: They become friends and have nothing but volleyball and each other, and as time goes by and they grow up, they realize they need more than that to keep going.





	1. how to make a friend

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 of Tsukkiyama Week: first
> 
> This is a chaptered fic and every chapter will use one of the prompts, that's the reason this chapter is so short, is sort of like the setting of the story.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The word _friend_ had always had a weird taste in Kei's mouth. When he was a kid, he had related it to the color green: bitter and unpleasant. He had asked his mom once about the meaning of it and she had said a friend was someone you liked and wanted to hang out with. Then, in school, his teacher made them make groups so they could work together and make friends but all of Kei's classmates were dumb and boring and way too whiny. Kei decided friends were for people who didn't have a cool older brother.

Until Yamaguchi Tadashi.

Yamaguchi Tadashi came to him like a ball of nerves and praise. Kei didn't remember that day at the park, not at first anyway, but the way Yamaguchi looked at him with gleam and the way his voice was heavy with honesty made him a bit soft, made the hair on his nape stand. For Kei, it wasn't much of a choice to join the volleyball team and when Yamaguchi followed him, Kei realized he didn't mind it; after all, Yamaguchi wasn't too boring and Kei _did_ like the way praise fell from Yamaguchi's lips right into his bloodstream, making his cheeks red and his heart beat faster.

Bullies never got to Yamaguchi again, at least not when they were together, which was most of the time, because bullies never got to Kei. They were too intimidated by Kei's height and his standoffish attitude to actually do something more than throw a few dumb insults. Now that intimidation extended to Yamaguchi as well and Kei guessed that, no matter how rude and awful he was, Yamaguchi would not leave his side as long as he got to keep that protection. There was also Akiteru. Yamaguchi loved him and much of their conversations were about Kei's brother. Kei didn't mind because he understood, because he also loved his brother, because he knew his brother deserved the praise.

So, they talked and walked together and played volleyball and loved Kei's brother. They got along and Kei liked having Yamaguchi around. He didn't know if they were actually _friends_ and if they were, he didn't know if they were _good_ friends because Yamaguchi was the first person he had hung out around for more than a few days. Kei could barely remember what it was like to walk home with only one pair of footsteps hitting the concrete, could barely remember what it was like to spend his weekends inside the house doing homework by himself. Kei could barely remember what it was like to be alone.

Kei was happy.

And then his brother turned out to be a pathetic liar. Kei had felt his heart break at the sight of his brother among the crowd and then had felt anger flooding his veins at the fear on his brother's face. He had turned and left and didn't bother to check if Yamaguchi was following him. Kei ran to his house and locked himself in his room and cried. He had lost his brother. Akiteru would still be there, would still come home and eat and would probably try to apologize but that wasn't Kei's brother. Kei's brother was cool and strong and the Ace. The guy he saw back at the gym wasn't his brother.

When the tears stopped, he sat on the bed and suddenly felt very alone. He had left Yamaguchi behind, not knowing what he was feeling, not wanting to see the heartbreak reflected back at him. They both loved Akiteru, they both believed in him. Kei wondered if Yamaguchi would ever speak to him again, now that Akiteru wasn't as cool as they thought he was. He wondered if Yamaguchi would think him pathetic, too, after the way he ran out of the gym. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of his mom knocking on the door.

"Kei?" she called softly. "Tadashi is here to see you."

Kei's chest tightened and he felt like crying again. Softly, he said, "Come in."

Yamaguchi entered slowly, as if he had never been in Kei's room and stood there while Kei's mom closed the door. He wasn't looking at Kei, his eyes glued to the floor. Kei didn't know what to say or do, so he remained on the bed and waited. Yamaguchi started crying, big tears falling onto the floor and ragged breaths filling the silence. Kei got up and walked cautiously towards him, as if approaching a wild animal. He hadn't seen Yamaguchi cry since that day at the park.

"Hey," he said and touched Yamaguchi's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Yamaguchi said, his voice small and broken. "I shouldn't be crying. He is your brother not mine... I know that but I just-"

And then he started sobbing. Kei stood there thinking about what to do, he was never good with emotional people. Was he supposed to hug Yamaguchi? To rub his back? To say comforting words? He decided thinking wasn't going to help, so he grabbed Yamaguchi's arm and lead him to the bed. They sat side by side; Yamaguchi crying, Kei in silence. He realized Yamaguchi was as heartbroken as he was and the realization hurt his chest a bit, though he didn't understand why.

"Tsukki?" Yamaguchi said when he stopped crying. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Kei lied.

"It's okay if you're not, you know." Yamaguchi's voice was so soft and kind it made Kei's eyes prickle.

"I'm fine," he lied again, knowing it wasn't very convincing but Yamaguchi dropped the subject, understanding.

"I'm tired. Wanna nap?" Yamaguchi offered and Kei laughed softly but laid down. Yamaguchi followed.

They had napped together many times before but it had happened unexpectedly. Like falling asleep while doing homework or being too exhausted after practice. This felt different but not in a bad way. It was comfortable like Yamaguchi always was. 

When he woke up, Yamaguchi was next to him, strawberry shortcake in his hands and a tiny blush in his cheeks. Kei got up and arched an eyebrow at him.

"I thought it would make you feel better. I bought it when I was on my way here," he murmured, suddenly shy, and Kei felt his stomach turn.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi," he said, taking the cake from him.

"Sorry, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi replied and the smile on his face was big and truthful and Kei decided right there and then they'd be best friends.


	2. under the rain, we're still friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 of Tsukkiyama Week: rain

Life before Tsukishima Kei had been difficult for Tadashi. He had been miserable; the bullying and the constant teasing were unbearable but the hardest part was the loneliness. Being alone was okay for the most part but the feeling of his chest crumbling and the cold spreading all around him made him cry almost every night. Tadashi had seen Tsukishima before that day at the park. Like Tadashi, he was always alone, but unlike Tadashi, he didn't seem to be lonely. Tsukishima was alone by choice and there was nothing Tadashi admired more than the coolness that came with that.

Their friendship came as a surprise for everyone, Tadashi included, but he didn't dare to question it much or he would get insecure. He was certain, when they were kids, that Tsukishima kept him around just for the praise and while he didn't think that was the case anymore -they _had_ been friends for years, after all-, if he thought about it too much he'd get to the conclusion it was still a possibility. So, he never thought of it; he grasped their friendship with both hands and cherished it. Tsukishima had been Tadashi's first friend.

Over the years, Tadashi had realized Tsukishima was a lot more than he had thought at first. He was still cool, the sly replies and complete apathetic outlook made Tadashi's eyes shine with admiration, but he was also nerdy and dorky and insecure. Tsukishima loved cake and music and had a thing for dinosaurs - _No, Yamaguchi, Tyrannosaurus were not that fast_ \- and he loved volleyball, even if he said he didn't. And all those things made him even cooler in Tadashi's eyes.

Tsukishima was also nice. Certainly not the nicest he could be and not with everyone, but with Tadashi, his friend, he was nice. He liked to do small things like that time he bought ice cream for Tadashi after he had to get a tooth removed -he had assured him that it had been Akiteru's idea but Akiteru told Tadashi Tsukishima had only been shy about it-, like that one time after the training camp, where Tadashi had screamed at him about pride, when Tsukishima bought him a pork bun and murmured a soft _thank you_ before walking away, like that moment after Tadashi ran away during the game against Wakunan when Tsukishima pressed a towel to his chest in a gesture so reassuring it made Tadashi want to cry.

No matter what anyone said about their friendship, Tsukishima was a good friend and with their acceptance to Karasuno's volleyball team, Tadashi hoped for them to make new friends so people would see that. It wasn't looking too bright at first, Tsukishima antagonizing Kageyama and Hinata, but they began to blend in with the team after their loss to Aoba Johsai. Tadashi had always been shy and he never really learned how to approach people but he really didn't need to, not with people like Hinata, who became his second friend ever. Tsukishima got along mostly with members of other teams; Kuroo, Bokuto and Akaashi seemed immune to his cold comments and Tadashi knew that was the easiest way to become Tsukishima's friend, by understanding he was mostly talk.

And even though he wanted them to make new friends, it had hurt a bit to see others call him _Tsukki_ because that was Tadashi's nickname for his best friend. It caught him by surprise how much it bothered him, they way it made his chest tight in an uncomfortable way and he guessed they had spent too much time being only them two, he guessed he unconsciously became protective of that little bubble where Tsukishima only put up with him and him only. Tadashi tried to get rid of those thoughts. _It's a good thing he's making friends_ , he thought a bit sad, _you've made friends, too_. They still walked together every day, except for some evenings when Tadashi needed to go practice his serves, and they still did homework together. They were still friends.

They were still friends and Tsukishima was still nice to him; there was still that part of Tsukishima that nobody but Tadashi saw. Like that one rainy saturday evening. It had been sunny in the morning and Tadashi never bothered to watch the weather forecast because he didn't have time and it tended to be wrong most of the time, anyways. So, Tadashi got ready -made lunch, packed his things, left breakfast ready for his mom- and walked to school with Tsukishima.

Between the random conversation subjects, Tsukishima asked, "Did you bring your umbrella today?"

"Maybe?", Tadashi said, not really remembering if his umbrella was in his bag or at home. "I don't know if I have it in my bag or not, to be honest, but I don't remember getting it out, so, probably?"

"Mmm," Tsukishima hummed. "They said it might rain today."

"They're always wrong, though."

"True."

And that was that. Tadashi forgot about the weather report and went on with his day. He played during the practice match, if only for just one set, and practice left his thighs sore and his hands numb. Ukai had been working them to the bone and Tadashi was so tired all the time. Between morning practice, afternoon practice, weekend practice and extra practice with Shimada, Tadashi had barely enough time to study, eat and sleep. He knew there was no other way to get to where he wanted to be, out there in the court with his friends, so he kept going, kept practicing and studying and sleeping just enough to get him through the day, and you really couldn't blame him for forgetting to check if he had his umbrella and his jacket in his bag.

It started raining somewhere around the last set and Tadashi had thought it might stop soon, they still had a few hours of practice left, but as they finished cleaning and putting away everything, the rain was still falling strongly, pounding the ground and splashing every wall and window it could find. Tadashi stood at the gym entrance hearing the wind howling angrily, chilling his bones. He couldn't believe he had forgotten his jacket _and_ his umbrella. Tsukishima came up from behind him, stood at his side and gave him a look. Tadashi raised a finger.

"If you say 'I told you so'..." he threatened.

"I was just going to say you should watch the weather report in the mornings." Tsukishima shrugged.

"I know," Tadashi whined.

He thought of waiting until the rain stopped but it was late and he was supposed to go to practice his serves. He thought of walking under the rain but he knew that Ukai would kill him if he caught a cold. His mom was working and he didn't have money to pay for a taxi. Tadashi sighed while the other members left the gym.

"You go on without me," he said to Tsukishima. "I'm gonna stay here and wait for the rain to stop."

"It could keep raining the whole night, you know," Tsukishima said, voicing the one possibility Tadashi didn't want to consider.

"If it does, then I'll just have to walk home anyway." He shrugged. "It's fine."

"You'll get a cold," Tsukishima said matter of factly. "Remember when Hinata, dumbass he is, came to practice with a cold? Yeah, I don't want to go through that again."

Tadashi laughed. It had been gross and also kinda sad. Hinata had refused to go home, so Tsukishima and Tadashi and the whole team, really, had spent the whole practice washing their hands and avoiding him. Tadashi rubbed his hands on his arms trying to warm himself up; the cold was getting to him.

"Here," Tsukishima said handing him his jacket.

"Oh, no, Tsukki, it's fine!"

"Just take it. You can't handle cold."

Tadashi eyed him and Tsukishima, apparently tired of waiting, threw the jacket to his face. Tadashi laughed a bit and took it because he was right, Tadashi could not handle cold. The jacket was a warm brown jacket that Tsukishima used a lot, so Tadashi could smell his best friend's cologne all over it. It was a known smell and the warmth spread rapidly, making him feel cozy. Tadashi buried his face in it.

"Thank you, Tsukki!" he said happily but it came out muffled from under the warm cloth.

"Whatever," Tsukishima answered. "Now, let's go."

Tadashi looked at him questiongly and Tsukishima only opened his umbrella and stepped out. Tadashi knew better than to fight him, so he sent a quick text to Shimada letting him know he wouldn't be able to go to practice and got under the umbrella. It was big enough that hopefully they would barely get wet but small enough for them to be shoulder to shoulder. Tadashi only hoped Tsukishima wouldn't be too cold without his jacket. They walked slowly, trying to match each other but Tsukishima's stride was longer than Tadashi's, so it turned out into this awkward double step but not really where Tadashi couldn't seem to match Tsukishima, so they stopped constantly, which culminated in both of them laughing and Tsukishima mimicking Tadashi.

"You look so stupid," Tsukishima said, still laughing.

"Shut up, it's not my fault you have flamingo legs."

"Flamingo legs?" Tsukishima laughed. "Is that the best you could come up with?"

Tadashi laughed again and punched him on the arm. Tsukishima kicked him and Tadashi shoved him and suddenly they were both out of the umbrella chasing each other, rain falling over them. Tsukishima was laughing openly and Tadashi felt a sudden wave of fondness take over his chest as he received a bunch of water to his face. A thought occurred to him, then.

"Wait, Tsukki!" he said and Tsukishima stopped. "Your jacket is going to get wet."

"It's already wet, Yamaguchi."

But Tadashi didn't listen to him. He grabbed the discarded umbrella and motioned to Tsukishima to get under it. They walked together again, Tsukishima taking shorter steps this time which in return made him look dumb. Laughter bubbled around them, protecting them from the rain and isolating them from the rest of the world. And Tadashi realized he had missed moments like those, where they could be themselves and mock each other and laugh. He was soaked and the wind was still howling but he felt warm and safe. Looking at Tsukishima, he could tell they were probably feeling the same thing. Just then, a particularly strong blast of wind turned the umbrella upside down and sent it flying away, which only made the laughter come back. Tsukishima doubled down, laughing, while Tadashi tried chasing the umbrella to no avail. When he turned to look back, he saw the water running down Tsukishima's face and the warm feeling was back in his chest. A soft smile settled on his face.

They somehow made it to the intersection where they parted ways. It wasn't raining as much anymore; it was more like a mellow cry than the desperate wailing it had been before.

"I'll give you the jacket after I wash it," Tadashi said. "Sorry it got all wet."

"It's fine, Yamaguchi."

"Okay. Bye, then!"

Tsukishima stared at him and Tadashi raised his eyebrows, confused, but Tsukishima just waved dismissively and walked away. Tadashi smiled and walked home, still giddy.

They were still friends.


	3. i saw you up there in the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 of Tsukkiyama Week: stargazing

Nationals ended and Kei felt heavy, his limbs numb. He guessed it could be the regret but he was too tired to actually analyze what was happening. They had lost and Kei could still hear the silence that impregnated the bus on their way home, all of them awake and conscious of every single mistake made during the game. It had been the third years’ last game and Kei would never say it outloud, but a bitter feeling settled in his chest making it tight and hurt. They _had_ gotten to nationals and that was an amazing feat, plus they had defeated Inarizaki, one of the strongest teams they had ever played against. It didn’t make their loss any less hurtful but it helped to put things in perspective.

He was walking home with Yamaguchi, who was uncharacteristically quiet but Kei understood. Yamaguchi didn’t get to play much during the games, although he did have some amazing moments. Kei could still remember the flutter in his chest when their serve and block was successful, could still feel the warmth of Yamaguchi’s hands against his. If he hadn’t had his moment against Shiratorizawa, he thought the serve and block would’ve been it. Not that he was going to admit it, though. He couldn’t wait to play with Yamaguchi again, even if the defeat was still fresh.

It was already getting dark when they reached the intersection and Kei felt a sort of dread at the idea of leaving Yamaguchi alone with his pain. Yamaguchi’s mom was probably working and she didn’t care about her son’s games, anyway, so he would probably get to a lonely house with no comfort. Kei looked at his best friend and thought of what to say to make him feel better but thankfully Yamaguchi spoke first.

“Can I go to your house?” he said softly. 

“Yeah,” Kei said.

The smell of food hit him before they even stepped into the house. His mom had probably arranged it all when she found out they had lost. She came out and welcomed them and didn’t even ask Yamaguchi why he wasn’t home, he had eaten with the Tsukishima’s for so long it was actually a rare sight for him not to be there. Kei’s mom hugged them both and congratulated them on their great performances. Akiteru hugged them, too, and Kei noticed the way Yamaguchi’s chest moved rapidly, as if he was having trouble breathing. He took Yamaguchi away from Akiteru and walked to the garden with him. Yamaguchi was trembling, his hands useless and his knees looked like they were about to give up.

Kei sat them both on the grass and hugged Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi’s panic attacks weren’t new to him but it had been a while since he’d had one. Kei rubbed his friend’s back and murmured soft words while Yamaguchi rode the panic wave to the end. It was scary to see him like that. Yamaguchi was one of the brightest and friendliest people he had ever met and to see him turn into a bundle of sobs and spasms made Kei’s body cold and angry.

“I’m a terrible person,” Yamaguchi said, voice broken and weak.

“What are you talking about?” Kei asked, harsher than he wanted.

Yamaguchi moved away from Kei’s arms and wiped his face. He was still taking shallow breaths but he seemed better and that made Kei breathe a bit better.

“I am sad that we lost, of course,” Yamaguchi explained, “but just a few moments ago I was thinking—”

He stopped and held his head in his hands. Kei was terrified of another attack but Yamaguchi took a deep breath and continued.

“I was thinking that now I might actually become a regular, you know?” Yamaguchi took a short breath. “And I shouldn’t— I shouldn’t be thinking about that when—”

“Yamaguchi,” Kei interrupted him and because he had no tact, he said, “Stop being an idiot.”

“What—”

“We lost and the third years are retiring and that’s sad and all but life goes on and yes, you better become a regular.”

Yamaguchi looked at him and then laughed, softly but it was a start. Kei admired the small smile, the way the lips stretched just barely and he thought that it was probably weird for his stomach to turn at the sight of it but it had been doing that for a while now and Kei didn’t want to think about what it might mean.

“Tsukki, you are awful,” Yamaguchi said while laying down on the grass.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kei said, laying down as well.

The stars in the sky shone brightly far away from the earth and Kei thought about how many of those were already dead and how oddly calming that was.

“I was thinking about that, too, you know,” Kei said softly.

Yamaguchi turned to look at him but Kei kept his eyes on the stars above.

“About you becoming a regular,” he explained.

“Yeah?” Yamaguchi asked and Kei could hear him smiling. His stomach turned again. “That makes me feel a bit better, Tsukki, thank you.”

Kei didn’t say anything because the softness in Yamaguchi’s voice sent shivers all over his body and made his chest ache. Kei wasn’t stupid, he knew what was happening and he knew it had been happening for a while now but nothing would come out of worrying because they were just friends and he didn’t want to ruin what they had with the stupid feelings he had for his very smart and very kind best friend.

Kei started to count stars to try and make his heart beat calm. It was hard to breath sometimes when Yamaguchi was laying next to him, when he could feel Yamaguchi’s warmth next to his, when he knew that if he moved his arm a little he could touch Yamaguchi’s hand. The sole idea of touching Yamaguchi made his face feel hot and his mouth dry. He looked at Yamaguchi, who was busy looking at the stars, and came to the conclusion that the constellations above had nothing on the constellation plastered on Yamaguchi’s face. He wondered if this counted as stargazing, wondered if he could count every freckle or if it would prove as impossible as trying to count the flaming bodies already dead in space.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, looking at him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he said and his voice was breathy and rough. “You just have a bit of dirt in your cheek.”

Kei touched the soft skin pretending to clean it and swallowed hard at the thought of touching the stars. Yamaguchi smiled brightly and his eyes seemed softer than usual and a bit of blush was definitely making its way to his cheeks and Kei had never felt more alive. He retracted his hand before it became suspicious and Yamaguchi thanked him with a tender voice and Kei thought that maybe -just _maybe_ \- there could be something more there.

After counting as many stars as he could; after getting up and following Yamaguchi inside the house to eat; after feeling like his heart was about to explode, Kei texted the only person who could help with this whole deal.

To: Kuroo-san  
I think I might be in love with my best friend


	4. there's so much you don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4 of Tsukkiyama Week: confession

Second year of high school came with several changes for Tadashi and the team. For starters, the former third years were gone and their absence was almost palpable the first few weeks; not having Asahi left a hole in Karasuno’s offense along with the loss of the double setter attack now that Suga was gone, and without Daichi, the defense weakened. But not having them meant Tanaka stepped up as the ace of Karasuno and Hinata had improved his receives immensely. Having Ennoshita as the captain was a plus, too, and the team agreed that there wasn’t anyone better for the job after Daichi. 

All of that meant Tadashi had to work twice as hard to make the regular line up. Before, he knew he couldn’t take the place of a third year nor the place of any of the other talented players, he had resigned himself to the role of the pinch server, took pride in the position and was happy with that for a while. But second year came and he focused on getting that regular spot. Tsukishima’s words — _you better become a regular_ — still ringed in his ears and filled him with determination. 

There was also a certain popular status they gained as a team. After years, they had finally reached nationals again which meant people started talking about them as a _powerhouse_ and, when they walked the hallways, Tadashi could hear them murmuring various names of the team. His name wasn’t mentioned as much but sometimes someone would say _That’s the pinch server!_ and Tadashi would get goosebumps all over him. Tsukishima always gave him a side eye because he believed Tadashi was being too much but what was there not to love about the attention?

This attention brought confessions as well. Tsukishima had been confessed to several times in the weeks after their lost match but he kept rejecting every one of them, which wasn’t very surprising considering all of them had been girls and Tadashi was almost sure Tsukishima was not into girls, but after a few boys confessed as well days later and faced the same fate, Tadashi just guessed Tsukishima didn’t like people that way. Which was cool, of course. Tadashi really wanted someone to confess to him, though, he really wanted to go on a date with a cute girl or a cute boy. At first he had thought of asking Yachi out on a date but she clearly had a thing for Kiyoko and Tadashi knew he couldn’t compete there, and while there were several cute people in his year, he didn’t feel his heart squeeze at the sight of any of them.

That's what he was so hungry for: the fall of his stomach to the floor —similar to that time they achieved their serve and block—; the knot in his throat that blocked every word —like the first time he realized he had stayed on the court for more than a few seconds—; the happy prickle behind his eyes that foreshadowed salty tears —his first birthday spent with the Tsukishimas came to mind—; the tremble of his hands rendered useless and the break in his voice by the emotion —close to the day Tsukishima called him cool—. Tadashi ached for it almost as much as he ached for setting foot inside the court. He was used to being called ugly —although no one really dare to do it now that Tsukishima was his best friend— or to have people think of him as a cute kid who could never be nothing more than that, and he had sort of believed it. But he had proven himself, he had finally shown people he was a fighter, too, he had stood up tall and said _I am here and I matter_ , and he had hoped that would work in the romantic area as much as it had worked in the volleyball area.

It was only when he had kind of forgotten about the whole thing that Tadashi was surprised by a girl from the class next door, who asked to talk to him during lunch. Tsukishima had only raised his eyebrow at her, in a antagonizing way, and Tadashi had laughed a bit at the way his best friend put his earphones on, knowing Tadashi would follow the girl. She was pretty, not too short but shorter than Tadashi, her black hair fell over her shoulders and her black eyes were fierce. When she confessed, her voice was steady and strong, not an inch of doubt in her, and Tadashi said yes immediately. His insides didn’t turn and his palms didn’t sweat but he thought maybe all of that could come later, after they got to know each other better.

That’s how Tadashi found himself busier than ever. He still did extra practice with Shimada but only from time to time and most times than not he walked home with long black hair flowing next to him. Tsukishima had rejected the idea of walking home with them both, so Tadashi started spending less time with his best friend. It made him a bit sad sometimes, mostly when he was alone at home, doing homework. He missed the Tsukishimas; the food, Akiteru’s lame jokes, movie nights and quiet evenings outside laying on the grass; but he guessed it was for the best. They were growing up, after all. And it wasn’t like they didn’t spend any time together, they still had volleyball and classes, they still joked and judged people together, but at the same time they somehow didn’t talk as much anymore, their conversations superficial, and sometimes Tadashi wondered if that was okay, if the way his chest hurt was normal.

Things turned sour after one saturday practice. Tadashi was so tired, his hair was stuck to his face, the sweat dripped onto the gym floor and his thighs trembled. He had been worrying the whole day because Tsukishima looked like the need to say something was eating him alive and that made Tadashi nervous. Tsukishima kept sending him glances, probably thinking Tadashi wouldn’t notice, but everytime he felt golden-brown eyes on him, his body shivered and his hands started sweating. They were changing side by side when Tsukishima spoke.

“Do you want to come over later today?” he asked nonchalantly but Tadashi could see a bit of a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

“Sorry, Tsukki,” he apologized. “I’m busy today.”

There was a small silence between them and then Tsukishima mumbled, “Of course you are.”

Even with the quiet tone and the noise Tanaka and Nishinoya were doing in the background, Tadashi heard him clearly. A bit of annoyance spiked his chest but before he could say anything, Tsukishima grabbed his things and left. Tadashi hurried to finish getting ready and ran after him, feeling hot at all the questioning looks he was getting from the other members. He caught up to him when he was reaching the school gates.

“Tsukki!” he called but Tsukishima kept walking with long angry strides. “Tsukki! Wait!”

“Don’t you have other things to do?” Tsukishima asked, Tadashi walking next to him.

“What are you talking about?”

“You said you were busy. So, go.”

“Tsukki, I don’t understand,” Tadashi said because he really didn’t. He had never seen Tsukishima so angry and annoyed at him.

Tsukishima scoffed, “Of course you don’t”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tadashi asked a lot harsher than he wanted but he was really tired and his best friend was acting weird and he had no time for any of that.

Tsukishima stopped abruptly and turned to look at him. His eyes looked almost sad but Tadashi didn’t think that was right, and when he talked, his voice was soft.

“You’re different.”

“Different? Well, I guess but things are different now,” Tadashi said and for some reason felt very sad saying it.

“I know.”

“Tsukki,” Tadashi said softly and got closer. “Please talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just… just go. I’m sure she’s waiting for you.”

Tadashi took a second to process that and then said, “Is that the problem? That I have a girlfriend?”

Tsukishima tensed, it wasn’t too obvious but Tadashi had learned everything there was to learn about Tsukishima’s subtle reactions. The way his shoulders hunched slighty and his eyes widen barely.

“That’s it, isn’t it? Are you mad because I have a girlfriend?”

“No,” Tsukishima said, very serious.

“Are you jealous?” 

“I said nothing’s wrong. Just drop it.”

Tsukishima started walking again but Tadashi thought it was time to clear things up. The fog covering their friendship was starting to choke him.

“Do you like her?” Tadashi asked, walking next to him.

“What? Of course not.”

“Is it because we’re not spending as much time together? Because you didn’t seem to mind when I went ahead to practice my serves.”

“Yamaguchi, just drop it, okay?”

“No. Not until you tell me what’s wrong because I know something’s wrong but—”

“I’m in love with you, okay?” Tsukishima said looking straight into Tadashi’s eyes. “I’ve been in love with you for years.”

Tadashi’s heart was in his throat, his stomach was on the floor and his hands were trembling. _In love? For years?_ It didn’t make sense but it kind of did. All the glances when Tadashi wasn’t looking and the way his eyes turned soft and his touch lingered longer than it should; all the tender words and small smiles directed towards him; all of it came to Tadashi’s mind and he could actually see it. He just hadn’t realized. Tadashi’s chest was heavy.

Approaching slowly, Tsukishima touched his cheek and Tadashi felt dizzy, his breath hitched and words seemed to have left his throat. 

Tsukishima continued softly, “Please tell me I didn’t read you wrong. You don’t have to tell me now but just— please.”

Tadashi was in pain. Seeing him so vulnerable, contradicting himself and almost stuttering, seemed wrong. With a shaky, almost useless hand, he took the hand Tsukishima had on his cheek and prepared to break his heart.

“I’m sorry, Tsukki,” he said as soft as he could and saw how Tsukishima’s expression turned to painful understanding. “You mean so much to me but not like that.”

“Ah,” Tsukishima said and his smile was bitter and sad and Tadashi felt like crying. “Of course you don’t. Sorry. Just forget about it.”

Tsukishima took a few steps back and then turned around and left. Tadashi stood there for what felt like hours and tried to understand how and why had things changed so much. He didn't know if he should run after him and ask if they could still be friends, if they could pretend it hadn't happened, if he could explain why Tadashi's heart was trying to escape his body, if they could somehow go back to movie nights and family dinners. In the middle of his chest, Tadashi distinguished something he had almost forgotten; loneliness.


	5. i can't tell you that i'm breaking slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 of Tsukkiyama Week: music
> 
> (it's clearly not tsukkiyama week anymore but i will finish this! also, there's not much music here but let's pretend there is)

Kei didn’t cry, he felt his heart pound hard against his ribs —a cry for help that wouldn’t come—, but he didn’t cry because he had no right to shed tears for something he messed up. He couldn’t blame Yamaguchi, who was just living his life and growing up and away. Kei knew he shouldn’t had said anything but there were times when a bit of hope would settle on his chest; times when Yamaguchi would stare too long or look at him too softly, and more than once he found himself thinking, _friends don’t look at each other like that_. He had let himself hope just a bit and then Kuroo had said he was sure Yamaguchi liked him back, he said he could see it because he had experience with crushes on childhood best friends, and Kei had believed him, stupidly. He sent a text to Kuroo that just read _fuck you_ and decided to turn off his phone. The possibilities of Yamaguchi texting him were minimum and he knew Kuroo would start bothering him; he had no energy for that.

The walk home felt agonizingly slow. He never really got used to walking without Yamaguchi, without his soft voice and their silly conversations. The streets were too quiet now, the sound of only one set of steps haunted him and his body felt colder. Kei didn’t know what would happen next. Were they supposed to pretend like nothing had happened? Was he supposed to go back to pretending the sight of Yamaguchi didn’t make his lungs hurt? Yamaguchi was probably going to ignore him, though. which would make sense. He hadn't seemed disgusted, instead his freckled face had looked surprised but soft and that was the reason Kei had reached to him. The smooth skin of his cheek was a ghost on Kei’s hand and unconsciously, he put the palm of his hand to his lips, touching it just slightly, and allowed himself to imagine what would’ve happened if Yamaguchi had returned his feelings. He felt tears coming to his eyes and willed himself not to cry. He wouldn’t cry.

When he got home, he informed his mom he wasn’t hungry and went up to his room right away. He didn’t bother to turn on the light, he just laid on the bed and closed his eyes. He had homework that he should do so that the next day wouldn't be too hectic but he was tired and his chest hurt, so he decided a nap could help. Sleep came to him as soon as he closed his eyes and Kei dreamed of constellations on tanned skin, of slender fingers and long legs, of conspiratorial smiles and murmured secrets, of dark hair and kind eyes. He woke up with a dry mouth and tears running down his face. The clock on his nightstand said it was 11 p.m and the moon’s light casted shadows on his room. He sighed, got up and cleaned his face. 

Kei wondered if that was his life now, pretending everything was okay when he was awake and crying big, fat tears for his best friend when he was asleep. He sighed again and left the bathroom to go and change clothes. Homework was still waiting and somehow he knew sleep wouldn’t come now, so he turned the light on and sat on his desk, decided to distract himself with math problems and English vocabulary. He was good at studying and didn’t need too much concentration to work, which was an advantage since his thoughts seemed to be locked on Yamaguchi’s surprised face.

“Kei?” he heard Akiteru call from outside the room and then enter slowly. “Is everything okay?”

Kei turned to him and raised an eyebrow. Matter of factly, he said, “You’re the one coming to my room at almost midnight.”

“Ah, yeah, sorry, I was worried, you didn’t answer my texts earlier.”

“My phone died,” he lied.

Akiteru sat on his bed and a bit of annoyance flared in Kei’s chest. He wanted to be alone and he had homework to finish.

“What’s wrong?” Akiteru asked and his voice carried so much worry, Kei was momentarily taken aback.

“What makes you think anything’s wrong?”

“Your phone never dies,” he said sympathetically, “and you’re doing homework at almost midnight. Normally you’re done by now.”

Kei took a second to appreciate how much his brother knew him and he guessed it made sense, they had gotten a lot closer after their first time at nationals.

“Everything’s fine,” he lied anyway because he didn’t even know how to start.

“Is this about Tadashi?” Akiteru guessed and he must have seen something on Kei’s face because he smiled softly and added, “Did you two have a fight?”

“Sort of,” Kei murmured, realizing lying was pointless.

“What about?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does if it has you with your phone off sulking at midnight.”

Kei rolled his eyes but went to sit next to Akiteru. He hadn’t talked to anyone but Kuroo about his feelings towards Yamaguchi, and Kuroo didn’t really know Yamaguchi, so Kei shouldn’t have trusted his advice. But Akiteru was different. Akiteru loved Yamaguchi to death and had spent hours talking to them both. Kei sighed.

“I’m in love with him,” he said so softly it was almost a whisper. When he looked at his brother’s face, nothing had changed. “You’re not surprised?”

Akiteru laughed. “Kei, when you were a kid and sleep deprived you told me Tadashi's freckles resembled the constellations in the sky. Also, you have a playlist filled with soft songs and its name is a star. You’ve been in love with Tadashi since forever, of course I’m not surprised. I’ve been wanting to see you two together for so long!”

“Why does everyone keep assuming Yamaguchi feels the same way?” 

“Because he clearly does,” Akiteru said as if it was obvious. “You should totally-”

“He rejected me,” Kei interrupted and his voice broke just a little. “I confessed today but it was— it was a mistake and he rejected me. So, no, he doesn’t feel the same way.”

Akiteru seemed in shock. It was almost funny, his wide eyes and open mouth, but Kei didn’t have it in him to laugh.

“Maybe he’s not sure yet?” Akiteru said carefully.

“His exact words were ‘you mean a lot to me but not like that’. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s not ready. Anyway, it’s fine, I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place.”

Kei was looking at the floor now and thinking about how much it had hurt, when Akiteru wrapped his arms around him. It was a careful but firm hug and it made Kei’s eyes fill with tears. 

“I think it was brave,” Akiteru said softly and Kei’s heart felt lighter somehow.

They didn’t say anything more for a while and Kei thought about it. Was is really brave or was it just stupid? He guessed bravery could be stupid and stupidity could be brave but it still didn’t make him feel better because the fact was that he had ruined their friendship. Before, the only problem they had was that they weren't spending as much time together, which he believed would fix itself as time went by —either they’d go back to how it all was or he'd get used to it—, but after that afternoon, Kei couldn’t imagine things going back to normal. 

“What am I supposed to do now?” he asked softly and his voice quivered a bit. “How am I supposed to face him?”

“Kei,” Akiteru said, letting him go and looking him in the eye, “you two have been best friends for so long. Just talk to him.”

Kei nodded. It made sense and he was grateful for having a voice of reason when his own voice doubted and freaked out. 

Akiteru patted his hair and said, “It’s gonna be okay. And please turn on your phone.”

Then he got up and left while Kei rolled his eyes and tried not to smile. It was nice to be on speaking terms again. It was nice to feel like at least a part of his life was in order and would hold for a bit. It was nice to see their bond had gotten stronger after their fall. He thought maybe his friendship with Yamaguchi could be the same. Kei sighed and turned on his phone. He left it on his bed while he finished his homework and when he went back to it he found several texts.

From: Kuroo-san  
wait did i do somethin or is this regular animosity  
is something wrong  
is this about yamaguchi  
tsukki?  
are u mad at me?

From: Bokuto-san  
hey kuroo is freaking out  
is everything okay?  
tuskki!  
tsukki!*  
did he push too far again? you know he doesn’t mean it most of the time  
please answer his texts

From: Yamaguchi  
tsukki?

Yamaguchi’s text was recent and it made his heart beat a bit faster. It had been sent only a few minutes before. Kei swallowed hard and put his phone on the bed to dry his hands on his pajamas. He was sweaty and nervous but _Yamaguchi had texted him_. Taking a deep breath and willing himself to calm down, he replied.

To: Yamaguchi  
can’t sleep?

From: Yamaguchi  
my brain hates me  
can’t sleep either?

To: Yamaguchi  
no but this one’s on me  
i took a nap earlier and now i’m too awake

From: Yamaguchi  
can i call you? we haven’t talked on the phone in a while

To: Yamaguchi  
sure

Kei’s heart was on his throat and he almost dropped his phone when it started vibrating on his sweaty hands. He felt the urge to hang up, to let it vibrate until it stopped, to just not answer. He felt the urge to run away but he was not a coward, so he answered.

“Hey,” he said as nonchalantly as he could.

“Hi,” Yamaguchi said and his voice was too soft, too tender. Kei felt his cheeks go warm and his heartbeat increase. “Did you finish the homework?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t too bad.”

“You’re just too smart,” Yamaguchi said laughing. “I had a bit of trouble with a couple of the English verbs.”

“I can help you go through them tomorrow, if you want.”

“That would be very helpful, Tsukki.”

Kei had to remind himself that the fondness in Yamaguchi’s voice was not an indication of his feelings and that this was just Yamaguchi being Yamaguchi. There was a silence that was a bit too long for Kei’s liking and he could hear Yamaguchi breathe on the other side. The intimacy of it all made Kei’s heart race. Yamaguchi’s breathing had a calming rhythm to it but Kei knew he was thinking, which put him on guard.

“Tsukki,” he started, “about what happened earlier—”

“It’s okay,” Kei interrupted. “I understand.”

Yamaguchi was silent for a few moments and then said, “Thank you for telling me. I hope you know that doesn’t change anything; you’re still my best friend.”

Kei’s eyes filled with tears and his shoulders felt lighter somehow. He had been so worried he would lose Yamaguchi because of his stupid confession. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself.

“I’m glad,” he said finally and if his voice trembled a bit, if his tone was a bit too soft, no one but Yamaguchi had to know.

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, goodnight, then,” Yamaguchi said but didn’t hang up.

“Goodnight,” Kei said but didn’t hang up either.

They stayed there in silence; Kei hanging to that bit of intimacy between them. He didn’t know why Yamaguchi didn’t end the call, but he was thankful for it. Then Yamaguchi laughed softly, it was a cute laugh and Kei could almost imagine the way his eyes closed and his cheeks stretched, the thought of it made it hard to breathe.

“Okay, I’m going now,” Yamaguchi said.

“Okay,” Kei said and waited.

Yamaguchi laughed again and said goodbye once more before hanging up. Kei smiled, put his headphones on, played the playlist with a star for a name and fell asleep to a soft song about the other half of the moon. And this time, when he dreamed of galaxies and gentle, bruised fingers, he didn’t cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while! Hopefully I'll be able to update regularly now!


	6. i finally see you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For TsukkiYama Week, day 6: studying
> 
> Uni kept me occupied for a while but now I finally have time to finish this!

Things went on as usual. On Sunday, Tsukishima helped him with his homework and it was just a bit awkward at first, too many silences and interrupted sentences, but it quickly became more about the homework than them. Gradually, slowly, they got to a comfortable place; talking and bickering and it started to feel _right_. They kept having lunch together from time to time. Tadashi bathed in the glint of Tsukishima's eyes when something amusing happened and relished in his laugh, snarky and goofy, such a great contrast to his usual smartass self. Tadashi felt lighter when they were together and realized he hadn't know how much he missed his best friend. But while things seemed to be getting back to normal, something itched under Tadashi's skin. It annoyed him and kept him awake at night because he couldn’t help but notice that Tsukishima wasn’t touching him anymore.

It wasn’t super obvious at first, they had never been particularly physical with each other, but there were always small touches: hands on shoulders when he leaned in to share on a witty remark or high fives when they managed a serve and block or soft brushes of their fingers when they passed on a water bottle. After the confession, Tsukishima had stopped touching him completely. Tadashi wasn’t weirded out by his feelings, he wasn’t disgusted or anything and really couldn’t think why his best friend would think otherwise.

It was a bit baffling how much it bothered him that they had lost that little bit of intimacy. It had always felt like a win to Tadashi, the fact that Tsukishima didn’t touch anyone that way, the fact that he always seemed to avoid physical contact with other people except for Tadashi. It felt like a privilege, a rare event only him was aloud to experience. And now it felt like he had been stripped off of his privileges, like he was just another one of Tsukishima’s acquaintances.

Tadashi guessed it was selfish of him to be so mad about it. Tsukishima probably thought he was being considered or simply wanted space, and he understood that but also it hurt. It was like ripping off every single hair of his body one by one, like needles sticking into his skin.

He didn’t talk to his girlfriend about it. He couldn’t. She didn’t know Tsukishima, she wouldn’t get it and besides, he had been so busy with practice and school, they weren’t talking much anymore. Sometimes he thought he should feel lonely and sad about the current state of their relationship but never felt more than guilt and maybe a bit of relief; guilt about not feeling more for their relationship and relief because he could spend a bit more time with Tsukishima. He knew he needed to talk to someone about it, though, so on a Sunday, about three weeks after Tsukishima’s confession, Tadashi invited Hinata to his house to study and help with his homework. It wasn’t unheard of but normally both him and Tsukishima would help Hinata and Kageyama to study. The way things stood after the confession, Tsukishima said he'd rather they helped separately and Tadashi agreed, of course he agreed, trying to respect his friend’s boundaries.

After a lot of repeating and repeating (Hinata was getting better at studying but he still had trouble concentrating), Tadashi was dying to talk about it and before he could say anything, Hinata spoke.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Tadashi wasn’t surprised, Hinata had always been very perceptive.

“Kind of? I don’t really know how to start with this.”

“Is it about Tsukishima?” he asked, his eyes still glued to the sheet on the floor.

“Yeah… is it that obvious?” 

“Well, you guys just seem… weird since you got a girlfriend.”

Tadashi guessed he was right. The friendship he had with Tsukishima was a friendship he didn’t have with anyone else. They used to be together all the time and then all of a sudden they weren’t. He supposed it _was_ obvious to everyone that something had happened.

“People have been talking, you know?” Hinata continued. “About you two and if Tsukishima is jealous and all that. Me and Kageyama, we always tell them there’s nothing wrong when they come asking but that’s a lie isn’t it?”

Tadashi nodded. The idea of people talking about them, making assumptions about their friendship made his blood boil just a little. But it was the idea of them talking about Tsukishima that made him angrier and defensive. It was ridiculous.

“There’s just… stuff happening right now and I don’t know how to make things better,” he admitted.

“Is he?” Hinata asked. “Jealous?”

“No but I don’t think I have a right to tell you what’s happening,” he said softly. “It’s very personal.”

“Mmm,” Hinata said. “Well then all I can say is talk to him. You guys have been friends forever, right? You’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right." Tadashi smiled. "Thank you, Hinata.”

They studied some more and Tadashi forgot about Tsukishima for a few moments, putting all of his concentration into helping Hinata understand their math homework. He thought about it later, though, and thought about it every time he saw Tsukishima during practice and class. They should talk, they really should, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it and the days passed and then weeks and it was getting harder and harder because suddenly they weren’t talking much.

Tsukishima had apparently decided that they didn’t need any form of connection anymore so he stopped asking Tadashi to study together and stopped standing next to him all the time and having lunch with him and Tadashi was lonely.

It probably should’ve felt worse when his girlfriend broke up with him. It should’ve ripped his chest open and taken his heart out. It should’ve brought tears to his eyes and anger to his blood. It should’ve made him say more than _okay_ and _sorry_. But it didn’t. It almost felt like a relief because now he wouldn’t hurt her anymore, because he didn’t feel for her all that much and he had let it go too far hoping it would turn into something resembling love.

The next day, he walked home with Tsukishima for the first time in months and it shocked him how warm his chest was and how nice the warmth felt. There was a lot they hadn’t talked about; like Akiteru having a boyfriend.

“ _The_ little giant?!” said Tadashi, his eyebrows raised as far as they could go in surprise.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima said with disgust on his face. “I knew they had seen each other again during the spring tournament back on our first year but he brought him home two weeks ago.”

“And? Is he anything like Hinata?”

“Thankfully, no. He’s actually nice.”

Tadashi laughed and saw Tsukishima glance at him and away with a small smile on his lips. His insides did something funny but he didn’t allow himself to think much about it.

“Anyway,” Tsukishima continued, “Akiteru was so nervous and—”

“We broke up,” Tadashi blurted out without thinking and Tsukishima looked at him shocked.

Tadashi didn’t know why he had said it. It had been bubbling up inside and he felt like he needed to say it, like it was important for Tsukishima to know and he couldn’t put his finger on the reason.

“Well, she— um, she broke up with me,” he elaborated when Tsukishima didn't reply.

Tsukishima thought about it for a second and then said, “Did anything happen?”

“No, not really. She just said I was always busy and that I didn’t seem to care for her that much.”

“I’m sorry,” Tsukishima said softly and when Tadashi looked at him he noticed that he looked genuinely sorry.

“It’s okay,” he said smiling. “She was right. I liked her but only the way I like Yachi or Hinata or—”

He stopped. Somehow he couldn’t say _you_. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t want to rub it in, the rejection, so he just shrugged.

“Then why did you stay with her for so many months?” Tsukishima asked and Tadashi smiled at the serious tone he had used. Not an ounce of pity in his voice.

“I guess I was hoping I would get to love her, eventually, you know?” Tadashi said, a lot more embarrassed than he would’ve liked. “I know it’s kinda pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic,” Tsukishima said shaking his head softly and furrowing his brow. Then he flicked at him with a finger right on the forehead and said, “It was dumb, though.”

Tadashi was taken aback for a second and then laughed again.

“Rude, Tsukki,” he said pouting and rubbing his forehead.

Tsukishima’s cheeks went a bit red and he looked away. Tadashi felt his stomach turn but not in a bad way. He liked the way Tsukishima reacted to him. It made him feel… desired, drunk with power, in control. He didn’t know what it meant that he liked it and it really didn’t matter because it was a good feeling.

They went to Tadashi’s house this time and instead of homework they watched movies, laughing and making fun of the acting and writing until they both fell asleep. When he woke up, Tsukishima was looking at him with tender eyes.

“Do I look cute sleeping?” he asked, his voice rough and his lips stretched just lightly in a small and cheeky smile.

At first he didn’t know why he had said it but when Tsukishima looked away, red cheeks, and muttered a soft _shut up, Yamaguchi_ , Tadashi realized he had been searching for the rush that ran through his veins and made his heartbeat pick up. It was addicting, Tsukishima’s reactions, and while he laughed softly and murmured a _sorry, Tsukki_ , he wondered why he hadn’t been teasing his best friend more often.

Tadashi thought that maybe he was being cruel, that teasing his best friend knowing his feelings was an asshole move but Tsukishima didn’t seem to be angry, he always looked away with a blushing face and a soft smile, so Tadashi guessed it was alright.

By the end of their second year, Tadashi had become confident in his skin. He had grown taller and gained more muscle and people seemed to gravitate towards him a lot more now. They would look at him and whisper and it only fueled him. So, he began to tease more. Before, he had laughed at the stuff Tsukishima said because it _was_ funny but other than a couple of times, he had never felt confident enough to actually say those things himself. Now it was easy.

And it was easier and easier to tease Tsukishima as well. Like winking at him when they did a successful serve and block or twisting a strand of his blond hair when congratulating him for a good block. It always made Tsukishima blush furiously. It always made Tadashi’s heart pound loudly against his chest.

He had a small idea of the reason he enjoyed the red on his best friend’s cheeks but he refused to entertain it for too long. Tadashi thought maybe he was just feeling lonely now that he didn’t have a girlfriend (even if he knew it wasn’t that) because it was the only way his brain could process it. Never mind that he hadn’t felt any of this back when he _did_ have a girlfriend, never mind that he couldn’t think of a single stance to compare it with what it felt to be with Tsukishima.

Maybe he had a crush on his best friend but if he didn’t, if he was, in fact, just lonely, he didn’t want to lead him on. So he didn’t say anything and he waited. Waited for an epiphany. Waited for that _I knew it_ moment. Weeks passed. They walked together and studied together. Their friendship had returned to what it was before and Tadashi felt alive again. And then Sunday came. They were supposed to be studying at Tsukishima’s but had spent at least half of it playing Mario Kart. So far, Tadashi had an outstanding win over Tsukishima and Tsukishima kept asking for a rematch, claiming he had practiced enough playing against Nekoma’s Kenma.

Tadashi had lost count of the amount of races they had played but when he won again he couldn’t help but laugh, loudly and joyously. And almost on instinct, he got closer to Tsukishima, his face so close he could count his best friend’s eyelashes.

“Aren’t you tired of losing, Tsukki?” he murmured cheekily, and without thinking he added, “Maybe you should stop looking at me so much.”

Instead of looking away blushing as he usually did, Tsukishima glanced at Tadashi’s lips and got slightly closer. Tadashi swallowed hard, feeling all of his words get stuck in his throat and his chest caving in, in the best way possible. It was then that they heard the knock on the door which startled them into separating just as Akiteru walked in.

“Hey, guys,” he started and then stopped, squinting his eyes. “Did I interrupt anything?”

He had a small, knowing smile on his lips and Tadashi’s face was burning. Tsukishima got up and pushed Akiteru out, laugher carrying all the way to the hallway. From the other side and still laughing, Akiteru said, “Dinner is ready, by the way!”

Tsukishima was looking at the floor and Tadashi was about to apologize (for what, he didn’t know) when Tsukishima started laughing, openly and loudly, and he sounded relieved. Tadashi didn’t understand what made him laugh like that, but he looked at his shaking frame, at the way his eyes closed and his mouth stretched, at the way laughter seemed to bubble up and out of his throat, at the way he took small breaths trying to calm himself and he understood. Tadashi understood everything; the warmth in his chest, the tremble of his hands, the lump in his throat. 

Yamaguchi Tadashi was in love with his best friend.


	7. meant to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7 of Tsukkiyama Week: free

When their third year came, Kei was softer. His eyes weren’t as cold anymore and his words, still irreverent, didn’t hold the sharpness they did before. He had opened up to people, he had learned to trust, he had made friends. Yamaguchi had been the first, so many years ago, and he guessed everything had started with him and his constellation skin, with his bright smiles and unwavering loyalty. Kei had been in love with him for so many years now, he wasn’t sure he knew what the contrary felt like, what not being in love with him was like. Yamaguchi had grown too, of course. He was taller and bigger, his hair was shorter and his eyes had a glint of mischievousness that, while not absent before, was now bold and confident. He stood straighter now as well, square shoulders and steady steps. Kei couldn’t help but watch in awe, like everyone else, every time he entered a room. 

The teasing had become a thing around their second year and at first Kei wasn’t sure he enjoyed it because he thought it was a joke, that Yamaguchi was making fun of him, but the thought lasted only a second before logic came rushing in. Yamaguchi was not cruel, especially not with Kei. And Kei noticed the way Yamaguchi looked at him when Kei felt his face hot and red, noticed the way he enjoyed himself because of the reactions he got from Kei. Yamaguchi _liked_ seeing him flustered, so Kei enjoyed it as well. Enjoyed the little glances and smiles, the tiny blush that covered his best friends cheeks, so small that anyone might miss it but not Kei; the way he bit his lip from time to time after a particularly flirtatious tease. That was probably the hardest part for Kei, the flirting. It made his stomach turn and his hands sweat and he never knew if Yamaguchi meant it. He didn’t know if Yamaguchi was just toying with him. 

Yamaguchi’s sexuality had never been a secret between them. Kei had always known Yamaguchi was bisexual, just as he knew he was gay. Kei never talked about boys, but Yamaguchi did. He talked about girls and boys like it was the most normal thing ever, which Kei guessed it was but it still felt like such a dangerous thing to do. Yamaguchi, braver than most, never hid it, never felt the need to. And when Kei started seeing his bright smile in his dreams and felt his heartbeat raise when their arms brushed, he hoped that Yamaguchi’s attraction to boys extended to him as well. It hadn’t been like that, of course, because the universe hated him, but after the breakup, Yamaguchi was closer, touchier, and Kei wondered if it meant something else now or if Yamaguchi had changed so much as if to be okay with hurting him. One of those made more sense than the other but Kei couldn’t help but wonder.

When he was alone, he couldn’t help but keep thinking about that Sunday in his room, when they almost kissed. 

Kei _had_ been watching Yamaguchi a little too much. Each day that Yamaguchi didn’t complain about the stares only made him braver. And yes, he was definitely losing because of Yamaguchi, be it by accident or on purpose. But when Yamaguchi got close to him, Kei had one second of regret before all there was were Yamaguchi’s freckles.

“Aren’t you tired of losing, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi had asked in a murmur and that had only pulled Kei’s attention from his freckles to his lips. They were so close, Kei could feel Yamaguchi’s breath on his face.

His throat was closed, trying to keep his heart from crawling out, when Kei decided to be brave. Out of both of them, Kei had never been the brave one, but he guessed that Sunday was as good day to start as any. So, he leaned closer, never looking away from Yamaguchi’s lips. It was slow but Yamaguchi’s surprised face had a smile on it and Kei guessed that was a good sign. 

And so Akiteru had to ruin everything by barging in, giving them only a few knocks worth of precaution, enough for them to separate hastingly. Kei threw him out of his room, of course, but he couldn’t help the laugh that built up and started pouring out of his body. It was a mixture of relief and embarrassment and sheer joy. 

“Are you okay?” Yamaguchi had asked and his voice sounded weird, too thin. When Kei looked at him, he was met with big eyes and red cheeks. It was an expression Kei didn’t remember seeing on Yamaguchi, but then again, he had never been that close to kissing him either, maybe that’s just what he looked like after an almost kiss. Kei wanted to find out how he’d look like after being kissed senseless.

“Fine,” Kei had answered sobering up. “Should we go have dinner?”

He had offered Yamaguchi his hand and Yamaguchi had seemed to doubt himself but then smiled and took the help offered. Kei had hauled him up, thinking about how warm and rough Yamaguchi’s hands were, hours and hours of practice toughening his touch. He had trailed his fingers on Yamaguchi’s palm as he let go before walking towards the door. It was a dangerous line the one he was close to crossing but he didn’t think he had it in him to stop.

Dinner had been awkward. They were sitting side by side and their arms brushed from time to time and every time they did, they would look at each other and smile a bit, as if apologizing. Akiteru was looking at them with a sly smile on his face, his eyes knowing and proud. Kei hated him. Kei loved him. It was awful. His mom was completely oblivious, of course, and she spent most of dinner talking to Yamaguchi as she always did when he was over. She was biased, clearly, and Kei couldn’t help but relate. 

When it was time for Yamaguchi to leave, they stood in the doorway, waiting for one or the other to say something, anything. But Kei’s insides were boiling and his hands were sweaty and he didn’t think his voice would be of any help. So, he just stared at Yamaguchi’s eyes under the lights. He didn’t know how long they just stood there, looking at each other and laughing consciously, until Yamaguchi spoke.

“I really should go.”

“Of course, yeah,” Kei said. “Let me know when you get home?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Yamaguchi smiled but didn’t move and for a second, Kei was certain Yamaguchi would reject him again, and because Yamaguchi was the braver of the two, he leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. It was short and sweet and it heated every cell in Kei’s body.

“Goodnight, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi had murmured and then turned and left.

Kei stood there, too shocked to do anything but stare at the place Yamaguchi had once been. That _had_ to mean something, right? He sighed and walked to his room, heart trying to leave his chest. 

Weeks after, he still thought about that kiss at night and every time he did, his cheek burned.

By the time they became third years, Yamaguchi had become a stronger version of himself, standing straight and proud. Kei would look at him when they were having dinner at his house or when they were taking a water break or walking home together, Kei would look at him and recognize the lines of the person he had been, soft and worried and afraid, but now they were reinforced and made right by years of hard work and the trust others put in him. Kei looked at Yamaguchi and saw every single thing he was in love with. 

And when the time came, Yamaguchi was made captain. It was an unanimous decision between them. They had discussed it before, when they were second years, and had come to the realization that Yamaguchi was meant for it. Yamaguchi tried to play it humble, of course, even saying Hinata would be a good captain as well, and while he wasn’t wrong (and Kei would deny ever thinking that), they all agreed it was Yamaguchi’s role to fill. Ennoshita took him under his wing almost immediately when he became captain, maybe seeing something of himself in Yamaguchi, maybe knowing the captain title would fall onto his shoulders eventually, whatever the reason, Ennoshita spent more time with Yamaguchi than he did with his other underclassmen. And that sealed the deal, Yamaguchi was captain and Kei had never been more proud.

The afternoon Ennoshita gave his last speech and passed on the captain title, Yamaguchi straighten his back, said a few words and then bowed, all without shedding a tear. Kei knew he was putting up a front, not for the sake of the third years graduating nor for his closest friends, but for the first years. Yamaguchi wanted to look strong and sure and Kei thought the title fit him perfectly. He smiled and nodded when Yamaguchi looked at him and the smile he got in return was as bright as the rising sun. 

“Can you help me with something here, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked when practice was done and everyone had left the clubroom. His voice was tight and small.

Kei arched an eyebrow and put down his bag, curious and a bit nervous.

“What is it?” he asked, just standing there, waiting.

“I just—,” Yamaguchi started but his voice broke and then he started crying.

Kei walked toward him, his chest aching at the sight, he touched his arm softly and said, “Hey. It’s okay.”

But Yamaguchi was smiling and Kei knew then. It wasn’t sadness, it wasn’t pain, it was joy. Yamaguchi was happy. The captain title was a heavy one and he knew it wouldn’t be an easy ride but this meant more than anything to Yamaguchi.

“Look at you,” Kei said smiling, “when I met you you were being bullied and now you’re the captain of a fucking powerhouse.”

Yamaguchi laughed an honest and real laugh. 

“Still crying, though,” Yamaguchi said.

“I’d say it’s part of your charm,” Kei shrugged and Yamaguchi looked at him with soft eyes and a small smile.

If he were to be asked who moved first, Kei wouldn’t have been able to tell because suddenly their lips were together and Kei’s stomach was on the floor and his heart was in his throat and he was dizzy and giddy and Yamaguchi was kissing him like his life depended on it. Kei sighed into the kiss, resting his hands on Yamaguchi’s neck, caressing the hair at his nape with one and tracing his jaw with the other. Yamaguchi’s hands were on his chest and Kei wondered if he could feel it, how hard it pounded against his chest, how loudly it called his name. They came apart too soon but Yamaguchi’s eyes were still closed and his lips still parted and Kei couldn’t look away.

“Wow,” Yamaguchi said, opening his eyes slowly. “I didn’t think…”

“What?” Kei asked.

“It’s just— Kiss me again.”

His voice was dreamy, incredulous, and Kei kissed him again. Slowly, deliberately, enjoying the taste and the way Yamaguchi tilted his head upward. He bit and licked and traced his fingers through Yamaguchi’s short hair and Yamaguchi sighed and gave in easily, his hands trembling were they held Kei’s waist. They made out lazily for what seemed like hours but not enough at the same time. Kei wanted to die kissing Yamaguchi Tadashi. Afterwards, he rested his forehead against Yamaguchi’s and kept his eyes closed. Yamaguchi was breathing heavy.

“Are you okay?” Kei asked, his voice scratchy.

Yamaguchi nodded. “Yeah, I’m just—” He kissed Kei one more time, just a little peck and then he laughed. “I keep getting this weird feeling in my chest when I kiss you,” he said before kissing him again and something in his voice was heavy. 

Kei finally opened his eyes and took Yamaguchi’s face in his hands. “What is it?”

Yamaguchi was silent for a bit, looking at Kei’s face, and then that determined glint took place in his eyes. 

“Kissing people has never felt like kissing you just now. It’s like coming alive,” he admitted and, oh, Kei’s mouth was dry now. “I don’t know since when, Tsukki, if it was an always thing or not, but I really like you.”

Kei kissed Yamaguchi’s cheeks and his forehead and his nose and said, still peppering Yamaguchi with kisses, “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi laughed and said, “Sorry, Tsukki,” while giggling, because of course he _giggled_ , and then, in a more serious tone, he said, “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I’ve known for a couple of months now but I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to risk hurting you again.” He stopped and looked down. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Kei was a bit taken aback but he just shook his head. “It’s okay. You’re here now. That’s enough for me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They kissed a bit more, the desperation gone now that they both knew they were on the same page. Kei was still a bit in shock and when they left the clubroom and Yamaguchi took his hand, Kei swore he was dreaming. It was too much, too perfect, to be real. But Yamaguchi was talking about something Shimada told him and moving his arms excitedly and the breeze hit Kei’s face and it hurt when he pinched his thigh, so it must’ve been real. 

However, even knowing that, under the stars, Yamaguchi looked like a dream, so, in a particularly dark corner, Kei pushed him against a wall and kissed him. Yamaguchi didn’t resist, he linked his hands behind Kei’s head and brought him closer, gasping a little when their bodies touched. It was exhilarating and Kei felt like he was getting drunk on Yamaguchi’s lips and the way a shiver ran down his spine every time Yamaguchi’s tongue pressed against his. Kei didn’t register Yamaguchi opening his legs with his knee but when a thigh touched too close to his crotch, Kei heard himself moan. It was so soft anyone could’ve missed it but not Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi smiled a big, satisfied smile.

“Right here on the street? You’re being naughty, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi murmured against his lips and the roughness of his voice almost made another moan escape his lips.

It took a few seconds for Kei to find his voice. He looked for something witty to say, some retort to Yamaguchi’s teasing, but the only thing that came out when he opened his mouth was, “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Yamaguchi’s laugh made the hair on his nape stand and he leaned down to kiss the corner of his mouth. “You’re so beautiful,” he confessed softly against Yamaguchi’s cheek and Yamaguchi grabbed his face with both hands and gave him a hard but short kiss.

“Let’s go home,” he said, rubbing his nose against Kei’s. 

They did. They went to Kei’s and walked in hand in hand and Akiteru hugged them both so hard Kei felt something pop in his back. His mom didn’t comment, just kissed them both on their heads and told them to sit down for dinner. Dinner was filled with little touches, hands on knees and rubbed fingers when passing the salt, bumping shoulders and intertwined fingers under the table, because suddenly they couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. 

Later they laid in bed side by side, Kei touching the freckles that covered Yamaguchi’s face. He tried to count them but he kept getting distracted by one that sat lonely right under his lip. Kei leaned over and kissed it and Yamaguchi’s eyes fluttered and closed. He couldn’t believe he was allowed to do that, to touch and stare and _love_ Yamaguchi openly. But it felt right.

Somehow, it felt like their whole lives had been leading to that moment.

**Author's Note:**

> This thing is finally done! If you've been around from the start, thank you so so much! If you're only now finding this, thank you so so much for reading!   
> Comments and kudos are always welcome!  
> Please come scream with me on twitter @keijiis!


End file.
